Glenn Hoddle, the prodigal son comes home as the new Messiah of Spurs. "Glenda's back where he belongs, down at the Lane" shout the fans. Do you recollect his first game in charge? FA Cup semifinal against who else, but their deadliest rivals, the Arse. Result, Tottenham out and, for the first time that anyone can recall, the Spurs are winless in a year ending in one. "It's just a hiccup" said Glenda, just give me time.

Hiccup my foot, more like a tremendous burp after sinking 10 pints of heavy. Let's face the facts, the Messiah has now been the top man for 15 games and his contribution is five wins and the signing of two or three geriatrics who are well past it. Not the stuff that legends are built on.

Back in the dressing room, 'Sick Note' Darren Anderton is nursing a hangnail and pleading with Glenda to bring Eileen Drewery into the fold. This has put our Glenda in a tricky position. As you may have heard, it was Eileen (his personal faith healer - no, really) that caused all the problems for England at France '98. Glenda was under the impression that if Ms. E had been part of the squad, England would've won that World Cup. Can you see it now, Michael Owen ("not a natural goal scorer" said Glenda) and 56-year-old Ms E. humiliating the Argentines?

Back on the treatment table Gary Doherty is writhing around in agony, his leg broken from some clogger who plays in the lower divisions. "Does it hurt here, Gary" asks Ms. E all sympathetic like, while poking it with a bony finger. Well, you can imagine that Gary's not too impressed with her healing powers so far. "Listen you old bag, it's bloody broken. If you're so good, use your magic karma and fix it." Glenda and Ms. E have a quick whisper in each others' ears and lo and behold it is fixed.

You see, Glenda is a firm believer in reincarnation (that's what lost him the England job, but that's another story.) and using Ms. E to channel the necessary vibes, somehow he's persuaded his skinflint employers to pony up eight million large ones for Gary Doherty's reincarnated better half ... Dean Richards. As you may well imagine, this deal hasn't gone down too well in Southampton being that Glenda used to be the manager there before leaving them in the lurch to sod off to Tottenham (that's another story as well). Will the deal go through? Who knows.

How is this all going to end, you're asking? Well, I'm no Ms E. but using my undoubted mystical powers this is how the season will play out: Middle of the table, decent cup run and chants of 'Hod out' as they get stuffed by the 'Arse in the North London derby.

Until then, 'get the beers in.'